Wednesday, 31 October 2012

To have and to hold

Before I begin this post, I don't claim to be the perfect wife and nor do I wish to come across as a preaching know-it-all kind; this is merely a post of my thoughts and opinions!
Browsing Facebook yesterday I noticed another victim of adultery. A young couple with small children fallen victim to the stereotyped "he can't keep it in his pants" scenario.
It saddens me that this particular couple have only been married for around 6 months... (not that it is ANY of my business) but I wondered what went through their minds on their wedding day as they read out their vows?
We had a non-religious civil ceremony, but our vows were a variation of the traditional:
I _____, take you ______, to be my wedded wife/husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part.
This is a promise made to each other, a legal binding. Surely you have to feel and believe in the words you are speaking?
I am not so naive to not realise that some marriages just do not work; but surely you owe it to each other to be honest and try to work things through?
If you're not happy; you're not happy. But why commit adultery and cause so much more hurt than is necessary? Think before you act - let your partner know you're not happy and you can't go on as you are.
"it takes two" - I appreciate all of that, I really do. Again though, TALK! Talk it through with your wife/husband about how & why you feel as you do.
I personally believe it is so important to remember the vows you read and promised on your wedding day. There are going to be good days, some bad days & some ugly days, but together you can get through them. There will be times of sickness & bad health, but together you work through them. To me, that's what a marriage is all about - working together.


  1. Couldn't agree more. I wasn't bothered about getting married but my husband was, and had pretty much worn me down waxing lyrical about how it was spiritually very important to him and he wanted to make the commitment etc. Part of my reluctance was because I took my vows completely seriously, that no matter what the difficulties I'd promised to work through them and that was that - I was going to be with him for life. I remember saying to a friend something along the lines of "I can't understand why any reasonably intelligent and articulate couple would get divorced - you should be able to work through anything".

    Five years later, I was divorced. He'd just decided that he didn't love me anymore and *that was that*. No, he didn't want to go to counselling. No, there was nothing I could do. Sounds like a classic case of another woman I know, but ten years on and he's still single. To say I was shocked was the understatement of the century - it was like the guy i'd known for almost ten years had been abducted by aliens and replaced by someone else.

    So there you go - there must be lots of people out there who really mean it *on the day*, but for whatever reason are able to justify behaving differently in due course. Really what it comes down to what comes first - yourself and your own needs, or the promise you made.

    1. Wow, thank you for sharing your story. I really like the comment you made to your friend. Unfortunately it seems it must take two 'reasonablly intelligent and articulate people' to believe in that.

      Hope that you have found happiness now : )

  2. I think this is a fantastic honest post. Certainly not preaching but just saying it as it is.

    Obviously I know the Facebook story you are talking about and I completely agree.
    Also as I said to you in a previous conversation, this is now the 3rd couple (might be more) that I know that have split within months of getting married.
    From what I've seen all three marriages have failed due to the husband commiting adultery (that's not to say that women don't, but in these cases it IS the man)
    I wonder where they all went wrong, just through being nosey really. I have certain theories but I couldn't possibly write them here.

    As you know my dad had an affair, he finally, after 5 years, admitted to my mum that it was the excitement of having an affair that was the reason for doing it.
    I think that it looks bad on him because if he was bored in his marriage he should have said OR should have tried to make it exciting.
    I think a lot of the time they are confident they won't get caught but then they think that they will be forgiven.
    Never do they think of everything they will lose, because it's not just their husband or wife. Breaking up a family, losing their home, belongings, ruining certain memories and losing respect.

    Anyway, I've babbled on and haven't been very consistant as Harry has been clinging to me the whole time I've typed.

    1. The term "have their cake and eat it" comes to mind.

      It is far too easy for any relationship to become monotonous, stale and routine-like, but that's kind of the point. You are in it together, therefore you make it work, together.

      I certainly wish people engaged brain before other parts of their body & considered the effects of doing so! xxx

  3. I think it is the problem of living in a disposable society. With nearly everything we do or commit to, there is a sense that if it doesn't work then "Ah well - we'll just get a new one". No sense of fixing or improving something. The law makes it so easy to divorce that marriage holds less importance than it did before. If marriage isn't what you thought it would be or the novelty has worn off, never mind - just get a divorce!! Terribly sad. Marriage IS hard work. A lot of people are just lazy and selfish and want it both ways.

    1. You are so right Lauren. I think too many people have a 'Disney Fairytale' perception of 'happily ever after' marriage & forget that there will be struggles too. To me though, the vows say it all.

      Thank you for your comment : ) x